Chapter 119
I laid on my bed for a long time until my body grew tired of it too. The sheets, once cool, had grown warm under me, sticking to my skin like a second layer I wanted to peel off. The silence in the room was deafening, punctuated only by the occasional creak of the wooden floorboards beneath the house.
I stared up at the ceiling, counting the cracks and shapes formed in the old paint, but even that couldn’t distract me.
1 remembered that Alessandro had fired the entire staff, leaving the house with emptiness that settled in every corner. I got off the bed, my limbs heavy and painful. My bare feet touched the cold floor, grounding me in reality. I strolled downstairs, each step echoing through the emptiness, the weight of silence wrapping tighter around my chest.
I went to the kitchen to get something to eat but froze in the doorway as I saw Antonio leaning against the counter drinking a glass of water.
He looked like a ghost from a life I didn’t want to revisit, too familiar, too real. The dim kitchen light flickered above him, catching the rim of his glass as he drank. He straightened up as he saw me. His face showed shock and surprise, the kind that tried to mask guilt and confusion but failed miserably.
I squeezed my eyes shut and remembered how he used to drive me according to Alessandro’s orders. How many nights had I stared at the back of his head through the rearview mirror, too afraid to speak, too broken to question anything?
“Nikolai,” he said, his voice a soft plea, coated in familiarity I didn’t want.
I swallowed and then gave my head a gentle shake. He doesn’t get to call me that anymore. He lost that right. I no longer trust anyone.
I continued to walk, trying to move past him, but he caught up with me in a second and stood before me, blocking my way.
“How are you?” he asked.
I shifted my weight from one foot to another. I could feel the kitchen tile, hard and cold beneath me. “I’m fine.”
He scratched the back of his neck, then a sympathy smile fell on his face.
“Look, what happened…”
I cut him off immediately. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want excuses. “It’s fine…”
“It’s not fine, how are you feeling right now,” he pressed gently, but there was insistence beneath it.
He took a step closer to me and held my arm. I jumped back as if his touch were fire, and his hand fell from my arm like dead weight. My breathing became shallow, and my heartbeat was out of control, hammering against my ribcage like a caged animal desperate for escape. It scared me, his touch or anyone’s touch… it scared me. My skin crawled, it itched. I could see their hands all over my skin again.
No, please, no…
“I–um–I have to go,” I mumbled, sidestepping him with trembling legs and hurriedly running up the stairs like someone was chasing me.
I wanted to wash their hands off myself. Every memory, every bruise, every invisible fingerprint left on my flesh.
1/2
Chapter 119
I slammed open the bedroom door and took off all of my clothes before running to the bathroom. My fingers trembled as they tugged at buttons, peeled fabric from sore skin. I didn’t even care to flick the lights on as I moved closer to the bathtub, the shadows more comforting than the truth light might reveal.
I filled the bathtub, the water nearly overflowed as steam surged from the scalding water, fogging the mirror and curling around me like a choking embrace. I stepped inside, and the hot water burned my skin, into my wound, but I didn’t care. I wanted it to hurt. I welcomed it. The burn felt like it was washing away their hands, their touch. I clenched my jaw to distract myself from the burn, to keep myself from screaming.
This is good. It will wash their hands off me. It will wash off their touch.
I squinted a good amount of body wash on the loofah and started to scrub. I scrubbed, and scrubbed, and scrubbed, the blistering water scorching my skin. The cuts that had turned into scabs got ripped once more, bleeding out fresh pain like they were confessing secrets. The dull ache in my stomach intensified, it hurt to even clench my teeth. Their laughing faces flashed before my eyes. I remembered the way their bodies smelled, their breath smelled. It just made me scrub more
violently.
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