Chapter 39
Lee’s POV:
I didn’t go to school today. I slept in till eight or nine ish and stayed in my hoodie and sweatpants.
Physically, my chest feels like an elephant sat on it.
Mentally, I am drained.
Emotionally, I am numb.
Its now twelve and I haven’t even gotten out of bed. For the past three hours I have just been sitting here with my AirPods in listening to depressing and sad music. I texted Francesca asking if she could meet because I feel like if I don’t meet with her, I won’t last much longer.
Everything just seems unimportant.
All I can think about is what the hell is the point? Why am I still here? Why am I not ok?
Would it better if I wasn’t here? Would I feel better?
The answer to all of those questions is I. Don’t. Know.
That is how I spend my day. Staring at the wall, ignoring Kasey and Blake’s messages, and wondering what I am doing. At about seven pm there was a knock on the front door. I heard Kasey yelling at me to answer, but I didn’t. I just sat there. Eventually, the knocking stopped and I was left with the silence of my music. About an hour later there was a harder
knock.
“Lee! Open up! I know your in there!” Blake says while banging on the door.
I still don’t do anything.
“Lee!” He yells again.
After Faking My Death, My Alpha Husband Went Mad
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Chapter 39
A few moments pass.
Softly he says, “Lee… Please just open the door and let us know your ok.”
He sounds so defeated. I can’t bring myself to get up though, because I know if I do… they will see how not ok I am. And I don’t want anyone to know. They are better off not knowing.
I am better off alone.
The knocking stops.
A text comes through from Kasey in the group chat saying that they are always here for me and are camping out in Blake’s truck. Still, I am numb. I should care that my best friends are sleeping in a truck because I didn’t open the door, but I’m not and I hate myself for it.
I look over to my night stand and my eyes widen slightly. My antidepressants are sitting on my table behind my lamp. The room is complete dark, but I can see since my eyes have
adjusted.
That’s why I feel like this, I haven’t taken my meds. That also explains why I haven’t been able to fall asleep and it is three am.
I should probably take them. Its all easier when I do. Easier to pretend and put on a smile. Over the years, I got so good at it that nobody even knows that its fake. My mom, Luca, everyone. They are all fooled.
A tear slides down my cheek and I stare at the bottles.
Finally, I reach over and take the three bottles of pills and put them in my lap while I grab my water bottle. Slowly, I open the first bottle which is my anxiety meds and two fall out. I pop them in my mouth and take a drink of water. I do them same with my antidepressants. When I open my sleeping pills and poor some out, four come out. My dosage is two.
I sit there for a few minutes staring at the pills.
If I took six I wouldn’t wake up. I would go peacefully. No struggling, no pain. Just peace.
My phone lights up and I see that Luca texted asking if I’m ok.
Chapter 39
Thats when I think of how he would feel if I went away. He would be without family. I want to give up, but I can’t be that selfish. He would be torn apart, because even though we may not show it, we are the only ones who know what its like. We only have each other, so I
can’t give up yet.
I put two pills back in the bottle and take the two that I left out with some water. After I am done, I put the bottles back and text Luca a thumbs up. Then, I plug my phone in and lay down. Hopefully, tomorrow is easier.
Lee’s POV:
I slowly open my eyes and adjust them to the light that is coming in through the side doors.
I sit up and look at the time. It is nine o’clock now, and I am late to school. I close my eyes and take a deep breathe. When I open them I get up and do my whole morning routine. After I’m done, I get dressed in black ripped jeans and a crew neck light pink sweatshirt. Then, I put on my checkerboard vans and do some makeup. The whole house is quiet. Normally, I would put music on to make me feel less alone, but today I’m not feeling it. I am still in a sort of depressive state I guess. Today is where I try and pick up the broken pieces of myself.
It is weird to think that on Wednesday I was on top of the world, Thursday I basically fell
thats off a cliff, and today I am trying to work my way back up to the top. Francesa says how depression works. One day you can be at your high, and the next you can be at your lowest. It is comforting to know that this is normal, but I still wish I was normal, normal, not depression normal.
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