I will fuck you but not now,
I handed Nikolai a second towel and turned away slightly to give him space, but I didn’t leave the room. I didn’t want him to think I retreating. Just… giving him room to breathe.
The soft rustle of the towel against his skin was the only sou
for a moment. Then his voice, quiet came.
“Didn’t think I would ever let someone see me like that again after everything that happened to me“,
I looked over my shoulder. He was standing there, towel wrapped around his waist, hair dripping and messy but his eyes were clearer than before. Raw, but not lost.
“You didn’t let me,” I said gently. “You trusted me.”
He swallowed hard, glancing down like the word trust scared him more than anything else. “Yeah. Maybe that’s the problem.”
I stepped closer, carefully, watching his reaction. “It’s not a problem. It’s the beginning.”
He gave a soft exhale, something close to a bitter laugh. “The beginning of what?”
“Whatever you want it to be.”
That stopped him. His gaze flicked to mine, searching. Not for lies he knew I wouldn’t feed him those but for something he couldn’t name. Something he’d probably never had before.
“Do I even deserve that?” he asked. “You deserve better than what you’ve been given,” I said. “And if I have to remind you every day, I will.”
He didn’t reply, but he didn’t look away either. That silence between us stretched, warm and heavy. A silence that said more than either of us was ready to admit.
I picked up a clean shirt from the dresser and tossed it toward him. “Get dressed. You’re not going back to bed like that.”
Nikolai caught it, raising an eyebrow. “Like what?”
“Wounded,” I said, simply. “Detached. Alone.”
He looked down at the shirt in his hands, fingers tightening slightly around the fabric. Then he nodded.
“Okay,” he said quietly. It was just a word, but it carried a weight I didn’t miss,
I turned away again to give him a little privacy, pulling on a clean pair of sweats as I spoke. “After that, you’re eating something. Then we’ll
talk.”
“And if I don’t want to talk?” he asked.
“The last thing I want is you to see the angry side of me right now when you not yet healed,” I replied, glancing back with the barest hint of a smile. “But I’m not leaving. So collect yourself and tell me.” I added. Even though I wanted to be gentle towards him, the mafia side of me always showed up.
“I wasn’t raped, if it’s that what you’re worried about, I am still safe and tight for you, He laughed, bitter.
“What counts for me is that you are doing okay–and not whether or not you’re still a virgin,” I told him frustrated. I had the feeling that he’d never change his opinion about me, no matter how hard I tried to be gentle around him.
Chapter 135
I didn’t reply immediately so, that I could calm down a little. He didn’t also say anything else,
He just sat there for a long moment, shirt finally on, eyes distant.
Then, without a word, he laid back on the bed. I watched him settle into the mattress, the tension still lingering in his shoulders even as he sank into the sheets. His face turned slightly toward the wall, away from me. Not dismissive just… distant. Guarded, still.
That was fine. He didn’t owe me more than that. Not right
I crossed the room quietly, picked up a clean towel to rub at my damp hair, and grabbed a fresh shirt from the closet. The room was dim, still thick with the haze of steam and something unspoken. I didn’t try to break it.
My mind was so messed up. I really needed to go to the gym for a few hours to clear my head. The gym was the only place that let me burn off what I couldn’t say. Anger. Frustration. Helplessness. All the things I couldn’t unload on him.
He needed space. I needed discipline.
I changed quickly into my gym clothes then headed to the door. “Where are you going?” Nikolai asked skeptically before I could leave.
“Gym,” I retorted, which made Nikolai look surprisingly sad and anxious.
“Is there anything wrong with that?” I asked curiously. He hesitated, his gaze flicking away as he pulled the blanket tighter around his chest. “No,” he said after a beat, but the word felt like a lie.
I leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed. “Then why do you look like I just said I’m never coming back?”
He gave a faint shrug, but his fingers gripped the edge of the blanket a little tighter. “I–I don’t want to be alone,” Nikolai admitted silently, which made me frown. I couldn’t remember a time he wanted to stay with me and rejecting his request would probably be the worst thing I could do right now.
“Fine,” I said, taking my clothes off again, switching off the lights and laying down beside him.
The bed dipped slightly as I settled in next to him, the warmth of his body just inches away. The room was quiet except for the steady rhythm of his breathing.
I wanted to give him space and stayed on my side of the bed, which apparently wasn’t to Nikolai’s liking. He sighed unnerved and crawled over to me so that his warm body was pressed against mine.
I didn’t expect him to reach out, but his hand found mine hésitantly, fingers curling around mine with a fragile grip.
I squeezed gently, letting the silence fill the space between us. No words were needed right then, just the quiet comfort of being close.
Maybe neither of us was ready to speak yet, but for now, this was enough.
I burried my face in the crook of his neck, inhaled his sweet scent and gave him a few gentle kisses.
If Leah wanted a war, I would give her a war but I won’t let Nikolai go.
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